A Love Hate Relationship
by lynzyb
Summary: Michelangelo begins to face the reality of what being a mutant turtle means to his future.
1. Chapter 1: Winter to Spring

A/N – This is my first fanfic for any fandom, and if I must be honest I'm not sure where this story is going, if anywhere! I would simply appreciate some feedback on this piece so I can learn from the experience of writing it. Thanks :o)

23/08/09 – I've tinkered a little bit...not enough to change the story, just a little of the wording here and there.

Disclaimer – they aren't mine, so matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise.

*******

He breathed in deeply, and for a fleeting moment allowed his eyes to focus on his frozen breath. He watched intently as it hung in the air before allowing his attention to be drawn to the streets below. They bustled with people going about their lives; children laughing as they danced through the crowds, businessmen on their cell phones too wrapped up in their affairs to notice before careering into the people in front of them, girls staring longingly into shop windows at colourful accessories that they didn't need but coveted all the same; all manner of peoples hurrying along. In the constant humdrum of a city that doesn't allow itself to sleep, snowflakes fluttered almost carelessly from the sky, lacing the pavements with white.

_December and me, we have a love hate relationship. You see, I love the festivities that come along with the month – Christmas is, after all, my favourite holiday! I love buying presents for my family and friends, to see the looks on their faces when they open my gifts to them. I love the Christmas tree, roast turkey, pulling crackers, fairy lights, the smell of clementines and winter spices, and waking up at 4am just like when I was little, brimming with excitement. _

_But, I also hate December. It brings with it the remembrance that unlike all the people I am watching below, I do not have the freedom to roam the streets at will, to stare into shop windows, or get so caught up in a conversation that I forget to watch where I'm going. I have to do Christmas shopping in disguise, so the people out there won't discover that my skin is green, that I only have 3 fingers and that I have a shell on my back. _

_Please, don't get me wrong. I love being a mutant turtle, I really do. But sometimes I just want to be able to get lost in a crowd and completely blend in with the people around me. Sometimes, I wish I weren't so different. I dream I could be a visible part of the world that so temptingly surrounds me._

A disgruntled cough from behind dragged him from his thoughts. He turned and caught his brother's penetrating stare. It was time to go.

"Come on Shellferbrains! In case ya forgot, we're cold blooded."

He hadn't forgotten. The decline in temperature was making him shiver slightly. Michelangelo threw a grin towards his brother, _seeming_ to forget his brush with melancholy from just the moment before.

"Sure thing bro, I wanna get these wrapped and under the tree before dinner!"

Raphael grumbled and turned, leading them back into the shadows, whilst quietly thinking about his brother. Normally Mikey couldn't stand still for more than a minute, and certainly wouldn't stay quiet. The behaviour he had just witnessed was out of character for his mostly over enthusiastic sibling. Raphael reasoned to himself that even someone like Michelangelo needed moments of quiet reflection from time to time. He dismissed the concerns he may have fleetingly had, and silently led his brother down to their home under the streets of New York City.

***

Winter slowly ebbed away, ushering in the warmer breezes of spring. On the streets, heavy coats and fluffy scarves gave way to light jackets, shorter sleeves and open topped shoes. Trees were once again adorned with crisp new leaves, and the parks of the city had bloomed into colour.

Michelangelo found himself staring down at the streets again, as he had done a few months previous. It was a different rooftop on a different day, but the same conflict resided in his thoughts.

_I love the sun. You can't feel it in the sewers, or when we patrol at night. If I were a human, I think this would be one of my favourite times of year; kissing goodbye to the harsh winter months and enjoying the sunnier and brighter days. Just hanging in the park with my bro's and father. Raph tackling me in response to my trash talk, tumbling to the ground, feeling the soft grass beneath us and having to squint because of the sun in our eyes. I can see Master Splinter and Leo sat on a blanket meditating, expressions of utter contentment on their faces, and Don lying plastron down, completely absorbed in one of his huge science books. _

_Man, it would be so sweet._

_No, wait -I have to stop thinking this way. There's no point in dreaming of something I can't have. _

_I'm happy. I've always been happy. I am the fun loving, prank pulling brother. I can totally see the bright side to everything. Where someone may see a stinky sewer, I see an awesome arena to rip into with my skateboard. I love the life that we lead; being a ninja and beating up the bad guys, protecting the city. And yet at times..._

_...I hate it. _

_Heh, another love hate relationship; just like what I thought at Christmas. Except this is a love hate relationship with my entire life. I hate being confined to the shadows. A part of me just wants to be free._

On this occasion there was no brother standing watch as he stood in silent contemplation; he was on his own, having snuck out of the lair. No doubt his brothers and father would soon realise he wasn't in his room, if they hadn't already done so. Once he returned, he knew punishment awaited him. At that moment in time however, he didn't care.

_Leo will probably lecture me when I go back. "You can't be so careless Michelangelo! What if someone saw you?!" I'll be grounded, so I won't even be able to leave the lair at night, let alone during the day. I'll hate it, and be bored outta my shell, but you know what? I think it's worth it just to be here now, in the daylight hours, in the sunshine..._

***

"Michelangelo, where the hell have you been?"

"I just went for a walk Leo. Sorry." He stared at the floor beneath his feet. Leonardo was furious with him, and whilst at the time, he had told himself he didn't care what punishment awaited him, now he was facing the consequences of his actions, guilt overcame him. He knew that his family only cared for his wellbeing.

"What do you mean, 'a walk'? To where exactly?"

"I went topside."

Leo looked at the youngest of his brothers, anger disabling his ability to speak for the briefest of moments. He had come to expect such reckless behaviour from Raphael, the so nick-named 'hot-headed turtle', but not Michelangelo. Sure, he could act stupid and fool around, but he normally understood why rules were in place, and obeyed them. What had changed?

"Mikey, we were worried sick! Master Splinter was worried sick! And what were you thinking? It's the middle of the day; anyone up there could have seen you!"

"Leo, I know, and I'm sorry. I just wanted..."

"You just wanted what? To put us all in danger?"

_To feel free._

"...nothing, Leo. I was just being stupid. I guess I'm grounded now so I'll head to my room. Tell Master Splinter I'm sorry."

Resigned to his fate, Michelangelo walked away. Leonardo hung back, watching his brother intently. His shoulders were slumped forward, his steps slow and careless, face still glued to the floor, a blank expression across his face.

"I see your brother has returned, my son."

Leonardo broke his study of his brother and turned to face his father. The rat known as Splinter looked up to him, concern etched across his brow.

"Yes Sensei."

"Did Michelangelo mention where he has been?"

"He says he went topside Sensei. He seems to accept that he did wrong although I think something could be wrong _with_ him; he did not react in a way I have come to expect of him, and he walks without his usual confidence."

"I believe you are right my son. I fear Michelangelo is starting to realise that there are many avenues in this world that are not open to creatures such as ourselves. He is not accustomed to such musings and they are causing him conflict."

"Conflict, Master?"

"Yes my son. Your brother can see the slightest glimmer of light in the darkest room; hence he can make the best of most situations he finds himself in. At the same time, he desires to soar into the world, to interact and experience everything it has to offer. However, he knows he cannot. And this will cause him conflict. He has no quarrel with the life he leads, finding pleasure in simple things, such as his games, comics and most importantly in the company of his family and friends. Still, he dreams of joining the world at large. And this will cause him pain."

Leonardo considered his father's words. This struggle between reality and dreams is something he and his other brother's had all experienced to a certain extent. Growing up and taking on responsibility was his own way of handling such conflict. Dedicating his life to looking after his family and honing his skills as a ninja and leader took precedent, and the dreams of his past were pushed to the back of his mind. Michelangelo had yet to grow up fully, and much of his time was spent enjoying the outputs of the world above; television, comic books, video games. Mikey still allowed himself to dream and to get caught up in his dreams.

"Is there anything we can do?"

Splinter sighed. "There is little we can do, except to understand and be there for your brother when he needs us. This is something Michelangelo will need to come to terms with himself, just as the rest of you have."

With that, Splinter turned and headed back to his room.

***

Michelangelo closed the door behind him, careful not to slam it; there was no need to attract unnecessary attention, he told himself. He glanced around his room, breathing in heavily and taking stock of all of his possessions. Comics and action figures cluttered the shelves on his walls. Upon his desk lay his pencils, paints and sketchbooks. He picked up one of the books to find images of sunsets and beaches, lush green forests and snowy mountains looking back at him; all drawn by his hand; most copied from either magazines or television. A solitary tear leaked from his eye, wetting his mask and slowly making a path down his face.

Something inside him had just snapped.

_Dreams are so futile. _

He screamed as he ripped the sketchbook into pieces.

_Why am I only realising this now?_

He recalled the chilly night in December, when he watched the people on the street from the rooftops. That night he was conflicted, but Raph's presence had unknowingly brought him back from it. He thought he had forgotten the melancholy in his heart...he thought it had freed himself from it.

_No, I just pushed it to the back of my thoughts...it never left me..._

He heard a knock on his door. His brothers had heard his scream.

He ignored them.

With a smooth flick of his wrist, his most prized possessions tumbled down from the walls. Figurines smashed as they collided with the floor; front covers ripped as comic books fell, tearing apart.

"Mikey, are you ok?" Donatello's frantic and worried tones vibrated through the cracks between the door and its frame.

He simply continued to ignore them.

"Don, get outta the way! If he won't let us in, I'll smash the door down!" Raphael's bulky frame could be heard ramming against the wooden barrier.

By the time the hinges gave way and the three brothers tumbled in, the damage had been done. The room was basked in darkness. Dust filled the air, disturbed by the rage that had just been set upon it. Michelangelo lay on his bed facing the wall, turned away from his brothers...brothers who were trying to comprehend that he, _fun loving, hard to anger Michelangelo_, had just trashed his own room in a fit of fury.

"Mikey?" Leonardo said questioningly. The blunt and empty response eventually came;

"Just leave me alone."


	2. Chapter 2: Spring to Summer

A/N – Thank you so much to Simone Robinson and daydream53 for your reviews, and (along with DarkGenesis) for adding this to your favourites. I'm touched! :o)

As I said with Chapter 1, this is my first piece of fan fiction, so any feedback and/or criticism you want to send my way is greatly appreciated.

Disclaimer – TMNT aren't mine.

Edit - updated a couple of things as per Nineteenth Souljah's review - thank you! :o)

***

_Just leave me alone._

The words hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity. He studied the wall he was facing in a meticulous fashion, memorising every crack, every bump in the uneven surface. Having something to focus on was helping him to ignore his brothers, who waited anxiously for some kind of response from their little brother. He had resolved not to turn around and face them; he didn't want them to see.

"Mikey?" The brother in blue repeated.

"Please guys, just leave me alone."

"But-" Donatello was about to interject, however Leonardo suddenly raised his hand, cutting the purple clad turtle off. A fifth presence had entered the room.

Splinter surveyed the damage that his youngest son had inflicted upon his own cherished possessions. He did not like seeing Michelangelo in such a state. However, he resisted the urge to embrace him, to protect him. He knew that this was something his son had to work through on his own.

"My sons, I believe your brother would appreciate some space and privacy while he brings some order back to his environment."

He glanced towards Leonardo, who nodded respectfully and silently moved towards the now door-less door. Donatello found himself following dutifully.

At first Raphael didn't flinch, his stare fixed on the form of his younger brother. Anger bubbled behind his eyes, anger not aimed directly at Michelangelo, but rather at the situation he found himself in. He didn't like it when any of his family experienced any kind of pain or turmoil. He liked it even less when what was causing the pain was invisible, immaterial...something that couldn't be lashed out at with fists or Sai.

"Raphael." The wise old rat spoke gently. "Please, come with me."

Reluctantly, Raphael turned and left the room. Within a matter of seconds the sound of fist meeting punching bag vibrated through the lair.

"Michelangelo, we will be here when you need us." Splinter gently advised his son before leaving the room also.

Satisfied that he was alone, Michelangelo rose from his bed. Feeling exposed, he picked up the door, propping it up as best he could within its frame, providing him with at least some limited privacy.

He turned back to face his room, and allowed his salty tears he has been holding back to fall.

***

Above ground, spring bubbled into summer. The sun shone in all of its glory in the brilliant azure sky. The nights were short, the days long, lazy and sticky. In offices across the sprawling city, air conditioning units worked overtime to keep workers cool.

And in a sewer beneath the streets, one solitary fan worked overtime as well.

"Man, it is so fucking hot! Donnie, do we not got anymore of these damn things?" Raphael exclaimed, pointing towards the fan.

"For the hundredth time Raph, no." Donatello snapped back.

"Ok Donnie, geez, what got your goat?"

"Just...the heat I guess. That and I'm still worried about Mikey."

Both Raphael and Donatello found themselves gazing towards their youngest brother's bedroom door. Weeks had passed since Michelangelo had 'trashed' his room, and then refused to talk about why. At first, the red and purple clad turtles had not understood what had caused their brother's sudden outburst. Leonardo and Splinter quickly explained to them what had transpired beforehand, and Splinter had shared his thoughts regarding the cause of Michelangelo's emotional turmoil.

Donatello could emphasize; he had experienced similar feelings in coming to accept that his brilliant mind could never be recognised in the scientific community; that he could never pursue any kind of career or research in a world that would jump to experiment on him if given the chance. However, his logical mind concluded that since he couldn't change _what_ he was born as, there was little point on dwelling on it, and instead he focused on the work he was able to do from his lab.

At first Raphael had scoffed in response. _How had it taken that idiot so long to realise that there is no future up there for the likes of us? _Following a stage of mocking his younger sibling though, he eventually came to realise that he too battled angst and demons of his own, and could not fairly judge his brother in that respect. But whilst Raphael released his rage in the dojo on his punching bag, Michelangelo had begun to retreat into himself.

"Hmph. He never leaves his fucking room now. What the hell is he doing in there?"

"I dunno Raph..." Leonardo replied, entering the conversation. "...but I'm starting to worry as well. I know Master Splinter said he has to work through this...depression...of his on his own, but I don't think I can just sit back and watch him virtually disappear in front of my eyes much longer."

"Fearless, that's exactly what I've been waitin' for ya ta say. So what do we do?"

"I would think the first step would be to get him out of his room."

"And how do ya suggest we go that, Donnie?"

"Ermmm, pizza?"

"We tried that Don. And video games, TV and new comics. They didn't work."

"Guys, we'll think of something. In the meantime, I think we just need to keep talking to him when he's not in his room, let him know we care and he can talk to us when he needs to."

***

The jaded form of Michelangelo sat quietly at his desk, hunched over his latest project. For hours on end, he had remained in his room, painstakingly piecing back together every single one of the sketches he had torn to shreds. This particular piece was a study of the city at dusk; towers and skyscrapers silhouetted against the sky, a flurry of oranges, reds and blues.

_I sketched this after one of my first training runs. I was so surprised when Leo agreed to let me bring my sketchbook along – it's one of the few I have done where I was actually in the environment I was recreating._

His fingers carefully traced the lines on the page. The memory of putting his pencils to the page ebbed through him.

_Perhaps if I can restore these, then I can reclaim how I used to feel when I created them. The ignorance...that blissful ignorance. _

_Ha, am I daring to dream again? I can't go back, you can't undo realisation once it slaps you in the face. When I can't see any reason to find pleasure in the world, how can I draw again...how can I find the beauty I once was able to?_

Voices from outside coaxed him from his musings. His brothers were talking about him.

_Again._

"....we just need to keep talking to him when he's not in his room, let him know we care..."

_They won't leave me alone! _

_Are you ok Mikey? _

_Do you wanna play a game with me Mikey? _

_Yo, Mike, fancy going topside and busting some purple dragon tail?"_

_It never ends. _

_I know they just care. I worry them. I haven't smiled in weeks, never spend any time watching TV or playing on my video games. I haven't pulled a prank in ages either. They just want me to open up. They just want their little brother back. I can't really blame them; I suppose I'm not much fun anymore._

_But I can't help it. I just don't want to be happy anymore. _

The conversation outside broke up, and Michelangelo could hear his brothers heading off in separate directions. He returned his attention back to the sketch he was piecing back together, re-immersing himself in the memory of drawing it.

_Sigh – to be ignorant and innocent again._


	3. Chapter 3: Summer to Autumn

A/N – This has been sitting on my harddrive for months now – I'm not happy with it (with this chapter in particular, I think I took it too far too quickly), but I've decided to post it anyway, and consider it finished, so 2 chapters in 1 update for you!

Any con-crit is greatly appreciated.

***

Whereas spring is a time of new life and rejuvenation, autumn brings with it an air of decay. Once green and vibrant leaves turn crisp hues of yellow and brown, eventually falling from their branches. The air takes on a sharper edge as temperatures drop in readiness for the oncoming winter, with scarves, hats and rosy cheeks returning to the streets of the Big Apple.

The only way Michelangelo truly knew it had become autumn was by the date. His self-inflicted isolation had yet to cease, despite his brothers' best efforts. He had spent the summer months locked in his room, wishing and yearning to return to more innocent days. Such efforts had long ceased however; he had slowly become resigned to his fate.

And now all he felt was guilt.

***

_Heh._

He snorted in spite of himself at the irony. His brothers had tried all the ways they could think of into coaxing him out of his room during the summer; anything to get him to actually leave the lair for something other than patrol runs. Tonight he had finally done it, he went topside, but did so behind their backs in the dead of night. For some unexplained reason, he had felt the sudden urge to separate himself from those he loved.

_For the past few months I have been nothing more than a burden to my family. Sad, depressed, a useless son and brother who can't even handle the truth about his own existence. Causing them nothing but grief and pain – do I even deserve to live anymore? I have been granted life, no matter how restricted and smothering, yet here I am wasting it, yearning for days I cannot retrieve, no matter how much I might want to._

_What must they think of me? The brother with no desire to keep going, the brother who sits on his own for hours on end, obsessing over torn up and empty dreams of the past._

_I never _wanted_ to feel this way, but I can no longer help it. It has consumed me._

_Leo, Don, Raph...Father...I'm sorry. _

Clarity flooded his thoughts. It suddenly all seemed so clear! He no longer had a purpose, and was a burden to his loved ones. His next step seemed so obvious to him.

_You'll miss me, I know, but I can no longer see a point to my existence any more. In time, you'll overcome your grief, and you'll lead better lives without me holding you back._

_***_

Raphael watched his little brother intently. A light sleeper, he had heard Michelangelo leaving the lair, and couldn't help himself but follow. It had been months since the orange-clad turtle had shown any interest in anything beyond the confines of his room or gotten any exercise outside of training and the odd patrol run they forced him into joining in on. Although externally not allowing his cool demeanour to falter, the sight of his brother heading top-side filled Raphael with joy at first. But it soon became apparent that this wasn't the 'miracle' he had been praying for since the night that had started it all, when Michelangelo trashed his room in a fit of frustration at the world.

No, the look upon his brother's face was no different; it was still brimming with melancholy and grief.

Raphael had long given up trying to understand why his brother coped with his feelings the way he did, getting all 'emo' and locking himself away. All summer he, Donatello and Leonardo had tried in vain to get their brother to open up to them. He had watched the fury brimming under the surface of Leonardo's seemingly gentle façade, self-inflicted anger for not being able to 'fix' Mikey's ills. It killed him to see Donatello shut up in his lab even more than usual. Sometimes he would go in and find Donny researching at his computer, trying to find another way to help Michelangelo. Sometimes he would find him just staring at his latest project, hiding away in an attempt to escape the worry and stress. As for himself, Raph had now resolved to simply making sure Mikey was ok by keeping watch over him as much as he could.

Michelangelo was stood near the edge of the building's roof, staring at nothing in particular, apparently deep in thought. He had stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity to Raph. He started to lose his focus somewhat, lost in his thoughts...

"I'm sorry."

Michelangelo's whisper cut through him, making him more alert. His brother had started advancing towards the roof edge. Raphael seemed to know instinctively what was about to happen, and didn't like it one bit...

***

Michelangelo looked up to the dark sky. The orange glow from the city washed out the heavens somewhat, but some stars could still be made out through it, as well as the moon, which happened to be very round and full, a warm, glowing yellow.

_It's a beautiful and perfect night._

A small smile threatened to escape, as he took the last step, the roof no longer under his feet.

"No!"

The roar of his brother assaulted his ears, and a forceful grasp encompassed one of his arms. The pull of gravity tugged relentlessly at his entire body, yet the sheer determination within Raphael to stop his brother hurtling 20 storeys into the alleyway was stronger, and Michelangelo soon found himself sprawled across the roof, his frantic brother strewn out next to him.

"What are you fucking playing at Mike! You could have killed yourself!"

"I know Raph."

"What, you were trying to....to top yourself?" The anger in Raphael's eyes was accentuated with intense sadness and fear. He couldn't believe – didn't _want_ to believe – what he had just witnessed. He never thought he would ever see his little brother trying to do something so stupid.

"Please! Tell me you weren't about the throw yourself off the building..."

"I can't Raph. I'm sorry, I just....I just don't think I can keep on going like this."

***

They sat next to one another, the silence enveloping them. Raphael focused on the sound of his breathing, bringing it under control, steadying his resolve. After a few moments, he turned to his brother and gently gripped him by the shoulders.

"Mike, you used to love life. What the hell changed? We still care about you...we don't want to see you hurting...watching you lock yourself away, becoming barely a shadow of who you are..it's killing us. Donny hides away even more than he used to...you used to be the one to drag him outta that lab. Leo....Leo just blames himself now because he can't fix this. Master Splinter....he doesn't say anything, insisting that you need to learn to cope on your own, but I'm sure he is hurting deep down, watching you fade away. And me? I just don't understand!"

"I'm sorry Raph, I just....just can't see a point in living when I can't offer anything to the world, knowing I'm denied of so many of the things I used to want from life. I hate being a burden to you, and Master Splinter and Leo and Don...the guilt of putting you through all of this is killing me just on its own. I suppose part of me wanted to remove that burden for you..."

"Shut up! Just, shut up! That makes no fucking sense Mike; we would all be devastated if we lost you, it would be worse than watching you slowly wither away like we are now. Why would you want to put us all through the pain of losing you?"

Michelangelo looked into his brother's eyes, and saw the small well of tears that threatened to stream down Raphael's face.

"Mike – you're my brother...You will never be a burden."


	4. Chapter 4: Full Circle to Winter

The walk back to the lair was slow, silent, and awkward. The guilt that resided in Michelangelo's heart was now deeper and more sorrowful than ever. He had never wished to cause the kind of pain in anyone that he had just seen in Raphael.

_Tonight I tried to do something stupid. I left the lair, consumed with despair. I decided that there was no point in carrying on, and I tried to throw myself off a building. _

_My brother stopped me._

_He told me I used to love life. He's right, I _did_ used to love life. I never used to let anything bother me, was more than happy with my lot..spending time with my brothers and father, pulling pranks, playing video games, reading my comics. Goofing off in training, the thrill of the fight, tangling with Shredder and the Foot, kicking Purple Dragon butt. Telling terrible jokes and pissing Raphael off. _

_Making them all smile. Being the bearer of hope in hopeless situations._

_But then I lost my hope. I stopped dreaming of a world where mutant turtles and a mutant rat could be accepted by any more but a handful of humans. I realised that there was never gonna be a time when I could walk in the sunshine free, without the worry of being spotted._

_I started to question everything, the point of my very existence. One battle ends and another seems to follow almost instantly...there's always another bad guy to defeat. What is the point of fighting if the nasties never stop coming? _

_My fall into this self-inflicted misery had started to affect my family as well. And I hated that I could have such an effect on them. Would it not be better if I were not here to bring them down? Leo and Master Splinter were always telling me that I needed to focus more, that my tendency to get distracted in battle made me the weak link in the chain. Crappy ninja, worthless son...they didn't need me around anymore! They would be better off without me._

_But my brother stopped me._

_I do have a purpose, but in the depths of my self-loathing and hatred of the world, I had forgotten it._

_My purpose is to look after my family. My role is to keep the hope alive, to love and smile, and to be thankful for the little things we _do_ have, not fret over things we don't._

_The real Michelangelo would never have put Raphael through the pain of watching me try to take my own life. How is that looking after my family?___

_***** **_

"Raph?"

"Yeah Mikey?"

"Are you gonna tell the guys what happened tonight?"

"I should...but it's not really my place, is it?"

"I don't want to worry them. I know what I did was stupid, and I won't be trying to.....to kill myself again. I can't put you through that again."

"You better fucking not. You got things to live for, you got your family if nothing else."

"I realise that. They don't really need to know, do they?"

" Like I said Mike, it's not my place. You need to decide yourself you want to tell them how bad you've been feeling, I promise, they won't find out from me."

"I'm so sorry Raph. I'm gonna try to cheer up and put all this behind me, I promise."

***

He breathed in deeply, and let his eyes close as he savoured the heady scent of Cinnamon and cloves as they mixed playfully with fresh clementines. His eyes opened and the scene of the lair at christmas time invaded his sight. Colourful decorations and sparkling fairy lights had been hung on the tree, and presents sat temptingly at its base.

Months had passed, and winter had swept into the city extremely quickly. December and Christmas had arrived before anyone but Michelangelo really had the chance to notice. The month was a landmark of sorts to Mikey though. It marked the start of his year of turmoil.

He had been left on his own, his brothers and father running last minute errands before Christmas Eve. They had wanted Michelangelo to accompany with them, but he had declined.

"Mikey, is something wrong?" Leonardo had asked, worry not only etched on his face, but also permeating his voice.

"No Leo, I'm fine -" At the sight of his brothers sceptical expressions, he followed with " - Seriously dudes, I just want a little me time, that's all."

They seemed to accept what he said, and left without argument. They didn't have a reason not to believe him - following the incident on the rooftop a few months ago, he had made leaps and bounds in trying to get over his depression. His first step was to stop locking himself away in his room. He made a conscious effort to be visible to his family, to give them hope that he was on the mend.

At first, it was more an act than anything else. He would sit on the couch while his brothers watched TV, keeping himself to himself, not really joining in. After a while, he was thankful for the company, basked in it and let his guard down, eventually starting to chat with them about trivial things, commenting on what was TV, asking them what they had been up to.

The social interaction felt good, and he found himself questioning the logic he had once used to justify separating himself from them.

It wasn't plain sailing. Some mornings he woke up full of hatred at the world, or full of self-loathing. On days like this he found himself knocking on Raphael's bedroom door. The red-banded brother listened to his younger brother's whinings, let him get the angst out rather than bottle it up. Sharing, Michelangelo came to realise, helped a great deal, and he resolved not to keep things hidden or to himself again.

He found his niche in the family again, becoming more cheerful as each day passed. Thankful for his family, thankful for the opportunities he had to do good things in the world

He started to sketch again, rather than just trying to mend the work he had trashed, creating new art, appreciating the world in a different light. This seemed to fall in perfectly with the Christmas season.

A smile played on his lips as he pulled his head away from the pot porri he had been smelling, and he made his way to his bedroom.

With everyone out, he now had the best opportunity to prepare his Christmas gifts. Although he had already been shopping with Donatello and got presents for everyone, which were currently sitting under the tree, his renewed interest in art gave him an idea for gifts for each of his family.

Once in his room, Michelangelo pulled out a box that was hidden under a pile of various things. In it lay 4 drawings, each one depicting a member of his family.

_These will be perfect. Once I've framed and wrapped them, I should be able to get them under the tree before they get back._

Each image was of his family doing something that was unique to them. He smiled again, and hoped to himself that they would like his gifts. Deep down, he knew they would.

***

_December and me, we have a love hate relationship. _

_I hate the month as it reminds me that unlike the people who live above me I do not have the freedom to roam the streets at will. It reminds me of the fate I've been handed in being a mutant turtle, who has to hide away from the world at large._

_But, I also love December. I love all the things that come with Christmas – presents, the christmas tree, roast turkey, pulling crackers, fairy lights, the smell of clementines and winter spices, and waking up at 4am just like when I was little, brimming with excitement. But more than anything, I love that I get to spend the holiday, and every day before and after, with my family._

_They are my purpose for living, to be with them, to smile and be happy with them, to fight by their side, sharing the good and the bad times._

_I may not see the world through the rose-tinted glasses that I used to, but I am thankful for everything I have. _

_I'll have bad days. But I'll also have good days, and those are the ones I'll cherish and remember. And the bad days? I know my family will always be there to help me through them. _


End file.
